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Crap Match Report

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Sunday 7 November, 2004

London Towers 60 Chester Jets 78, 06/11/04

Krispy Kreme Doughnut King

After weeks of anticipation, here's the BIG one. Nope, not a new revolutionary lycra style pair of basketball shorts that showcases the Towers tackle, but first plays second in the BBL; Coach Peers pits his wits against old acquaintances and with Big Boy Billy Singleton in town, the Kings of the Krispy Kreme Doughnut sellers Vs the Kings of the Krispy Kreme Doughnut munchers.

Entering the Crystal Palace sauna and seeing a selection of new Towers Dancers, I was in need of an early rub down. Preferably something a little more intensive than Jerry Williams was receiving from the Towers physio on court. I then caught sight of Big Boy Billy adjusting his shorts and suddenly the need for stimulation didn't seem so salient.

It left a pleasant vibrating sensation

Towers trusty game caller Matthew had some stiff competition from a foghorn away fan making the trip. His continuous commentary of: 'TEN! NINE! EIGHT!' won't win any awards for creativity but it would serve him well if the fella ever considered employment as a NASA countdown king.

Early exchanges didn't go Towers way with basic ball handling skills letting the team down. The available court space for Towers soon halved when Billy Boy touched down for Chester; confusion in the crowd as we were unsure if the thudding sound was the fatty free thrower or the fireworks outside. Rod Brown at point guard picked up the pace for the Towers but the home team trailed 19-12 at the first buzzer.

The second quarter started with Chester losing control of the ball. One pass in particular looked more like a welly wanging effort as the ball was launched at random towards the Towers bench. The home team defended well blocking shots in front of the ring but at the other end their own shots weren't sinking either.

A critical and cynical London crowd was swinging more than Stan Collymore let loose in the Crystal Palace car park:

'RUBBISH!'

'GET IN THERE!'

'WAKE UP TOWERS!'

It's a thin line between being a basketball big gun or a dunking dunce, and when you're losing, one that you’d rather Billy Boy wasn't walking in front of you. A low scoring first half left Towers trailing 33-25.

Half time provided the highlight of the evening so far with the return to centre court of everyone's favourite basketball lobber, the always entertaining Towlie. Neil the DJ foolishly challenged the half time hero to sink from the centre circle with a £20 stake up for grabs. Unlike the Towers, Towlie hit the spot as a thought bubble could be seen rising from Neil the DJ's head:

'...I'll eat Billy Boy's weight in Krispy Kreme doughnuts if Towers can pull this one off.'

Chester continued where they left off as the third quarter tipped off. They stretched to a five point lead with a series of three pointers proving good. Towers seemed reluctant to shoot, always looking to score in style rather than keep it simple. As young Wayne Rooney would probably tell you though, it's all about doing the business rather than gaining beauty points. A 48-42 lead for Jets with one quarter remaining.

As the fourth quarter tipped off, the kids sitting behind me were giving it their best at banging the benches. I'm all for creating an atmosphere in the sterile sauna but it doesn't do much for the confidence of an already crap photographer who needs all the help he can get. It does leave a rather pleasant vibrating sensation around the anus area though.

With the gap stretched to eleven points (basketball, not bottom), Coach Peers called a Time Out to get the Towers back in the game. Failing that, a final tally of fifty points would have been nice.

Towers were now trailing by seventeen points and it was Time Out time again.

Two minutes later and Towers were chasing a nineteen point game and here comes that Time Out, just as Neil the DJ cranked up The Hives and... 'Hate to Say I Told You So.'

It was scant consolation seeing some scantily clad girls letting off some steam as Coach Peers did the same on the bench.

Fitting that Billy Boy had the last laugh, clearing up under the basket to seal a 78-60 away win with the look of a man who was clearly looking forward to clearing up his Sunday roast the next day.

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Monday 1 November, 2004

Streatham Redskins 1 Invicta Dynamos 4, 31/10/04

Mon Capitain Quiney

Streatham Redskins suffered their first defeat of the season losing 4-1 at home to Invicta Dynamos in the National Cup on Sunday. With both teams undefeated in the league, this Cup game was a good chance to see how Redskins rated against the reigning Cup holders.

Halloween night and an impressive crowd had made the journey to cheer on Invicta. Even more impressive was their Halloween costumes. Hang on, they weren't in fancy dress you say? Hubble bubble, toil and trouble.

I'd give her one

Fitting that this week of all weeks the first record played at the old rink was Teenage Kicks:

'Teenage dreams, so hard to beat...'

Too right eh, young Carnegy, Richardson and Fitzmaurice.

The experience of table topping Invicta though is a different proposition altogether. They beat to a different drum to the rest of the league. A rather annoying one actually, banged out by some old bird that has about as much rhythm as Michael Howard gyrating his hips.

With the (delayed) warm up complete, even the usual straight as a die Mr Zamboni Man appeared nervous, showing signs that POSSIBLY he may have been incapable of passing a drink driving test as he zig zagged across the rink.

Redskins netminder Adam Noctor faced plenty of early rubber and was put under pressure only a minute and a half into the game as Dynamos went on their first powerplay. Redskins kept the puck in their own attacking zone, surviving the first serious assault with ease. This was a different pace of game that Streatham have been use to so far this season with the three lines changing shift frequently, such was the intensity of the game.

And then it happened; with 5:26 showing on the old clock, we had to suffer some bleedin' old time hockey organ music, irritating me even more than the tone deaf drummer. They should join up and form a band. Let's call them the Scissor Sisters.

Streatham had their own powerplay halfway through the first period and matched Invicta for pace, but couldn't make the breakthrough.

Linesman Holtham wasn't getting the hang of the face offs, failing to drop the puck at every occasion. No worries. It meant that we were treated to an extra thirty seconds of Guns n' Roses. Even the Invicta fans were getting into the spirit with whiney Axl Rose impersonations, although the G 'n R song that contains the lyrics 'Get up you cheating bastard' must have passed me by.

The dominance of the Dynamos finally paid off at 16:47 when an Andy Smith shot from a tight angle slipped past Noctor and into the corner of the net. Two minutes later and Peter Beerling hit the pipes on the powerplay and Peter Carey was at hand just outside the crease to tap home the rebound.

Come the first period break and I was privileged to have a personal modelling of the new Puck Bunny tops. The Redskins' very own Cheeky Girls had a #1 and a #2 plastered on their backs. Mild middle age embarrassment prevented me from asking why one was ranked higher than the other.

Marks out of two? I'd give her one.

And so onto the fun and games of Mr Zamboni Man and his incredibly inefficient icing machine. Between periods it died mid-ice, running out of gas. A bit like the Haringey powerplay.

When the second period finally started, Streatham took some big hits in the corners with Invicta targeting the Streatham youngsters. Unlike the Zamboni it all got a bit heated at 28:41. Redskins forward Victor Somfaleanu was cross checked in a cynical move that went unnoticed and unpunished by the referee. David Smith stepped in to help out his team mate and emerged from a bust up in front of the benches to be given a five plus game penalty for cross-checking from behind. Dynamos escaped unpunished.

Redskins skated with one man down and paid the price as Dynamos went 3-0 up on the powerplay at 32:01. The Redskins were resilient though and started to play their best hockey of the evening. Steve Paris forced Dynamos netminder Carl Ambler into a pad save after a one on one breakaway down the ice, whilst at the other end, Noctor made a series of superb reflex glove saves.

The old sound system at the High Road rink requires a bit of tweaking to bring it up to Bang & Olufsen standard. During the final break The Voice of the Redskins mentioned something about '50 / 50.' I wasn't able to catch the finer details but it may well have been the latest odds on the Zamboni completing a successful circuit.

The best goal of the evening was slotted home by Danny Smith of the Dynamos one minute into the first period as he skipped through the Redskins defence and took aim for the corner of the net. Streatham were soon celebrating themselves though with the kid's line showing maturity as Perry Richardson-Billowes fired home with an assist from Luke Fitzmaurice.

A 2+2+10 minute penalty for Wayne Trunchion took him out of the game. It's quite a feat to notch up a higher penalty minute tally than your shirt number, and something that it would be amusing to watch the young #27 try and achieve.

A 4-1 Cup defeat against a strong Dynamos team that iced a full bench is no disgrace for Streatham in only their second season after the reformation of the proud old club. The league match up in two months time might be different if Streatham star player Joe Johnston can free himself of his work commitments.

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